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let him deal with it – trust me he very soon will make that phone call.Only then it will be the right time to say you are sorry.
In this article I’ll go over eight things you need to avoid when in a breakup.These ideas will help you increase the chances of getting your pattern back to you without killing the little desires left for you in him.
To start off, lets begin with panic.
Panic (why you should avoid it.)
We all know even simple breakups can turn hard to mend.Simply because we are humans.
As humans, we are wired to react with panic against certain life-threatening events.
Breakup is a life-threatening event.It brings out the panic within most of us.
Panic makes us susceptible to a great number of mistakes that reduces chances of mending even a simple breakup.
After a breakup, humans tend to get them selves in a great deal of panic.The problem with panic, it creates a dire need for quick solutions to broken relationship.
I said quick.but quick can and most times does get pretty bad very quickly.
Panic forces you to gather unsought through ideas.The kind of ideas that in most cases reduces your chances to mend your relationship.
I say so because most of the times, its the wrong ideas.
Panic causes you to create ideas such as:
- The Desires to recreate our relationship (I call it the dangerous desire to recreate relationship)
- Rush into unwanted new relationships
- Need lower self worthy
- Self pity and begging and many more.
Why do we panic and lose patience whenever it comes to wanting to mend a broken relationship?
We are humans.Our mind is wired to work that way.We are wired to protect items of value to us.
A breakup takes away something of value from us.
Different psychology research shows that in a human mind, constant thoughts are given to the hardships and challanges one expects to face should one loose something of value.
Your lover was something of value to you so its only human that you cant stop thinking about your loss and challenges you are bound to face.
In your state, this is really bad.please let me show how why, but most importantly, what you should avoid.
Mistakes to avoid after a breakup
Let’s dive into some of the mistakes that you should avoid to stand chances of getting your ex back.
1.Avoid pity and begging
Begging and pity never make your lover forget what you did.If anything, Begging and pity just worsens situations.
mama nkima
Remember, You broke up for reasons, what makes you think pity and begging would magically make him forget such reasons?
Unfortunate for you, none of the reasons for your breakup is embedded in the word “forgive me please”.
Let’s understand what causes breakups.
People break up because of little small things done over time that accumulate to cover the part of his mind that loved.
It is important to remember that a person who once loved you, never stops to love you, but develops a layer of hate in their mind, that covers the layer of love he had for you.
Whats most important note is, while he decides to not love you now, Underneath the layer of hate, is a layer of love, its just covered with the layer of hate from your mistakes.
The problem with pity is you force your self on someone without giving them a chance to break down the perceived mistakes from you.
Without giving this person a chance to settle those perceived mistakes, with your pity and begging what do you think you are doing?
You guessed right.You are adding more tiny mistakes to ones already in his head.
More wrongdoings covering the love part of their brains.
Pity and begging become another collection of those small wrongdoings.
When someone breaks up with you they need space to make sense of the goods and the bad that they’ve endured in the relationship.
Back to panic in humans, the impatience in your mind, quickly turns into a machine that forces you to go and bomber this person with pleadings.
You are denying his mind a chance to evaluate the goods and the bad you’ve done in a relationship.
In his mind he wants you to get back with him but the right way.
The right way is not by begging first.Right way is by giving them a chance to decipher the whole breakup situation.
They need to make sense of their breakup decision without interruption from you.
Pleading and begging and using pity is just a way of closing their minds, removing them from their own process of trying to understand the situation.
When you plead and beg, you are forcing him to focus on understanding why you’re pleading.
This is interruption.No one wants to be interrupted.The mind when it’s busy working on a solution it wants to work on a solution.
Pleading calling texting and using pity is one thing that doesn’t go well with a brain that is trying to concentrate.
If there is one major activity that causes a breakup that would quickly have sustain to go west, pleading and using pity.
Why is pleading bad?
- Pleading makes you look weak
- It makes you look like an insecure person.
To you – It doesn’t really matter how you look like, but does it also not matter how your ex perceives you?
If it matter to your ex that he wants a strong independent you,
Is it really unimportant to you that you express that strength?
- Do you see how panic in your brain plays you?
- Do you see how panic kills all the chances of getting back with your lover?
So my dear friend you have to start grounds.The reason you broke up is because something didn’t make sense.
- Let your partner make sense of the situation.
- Let him process it in their own time.
- Give him space and time.
- Let your ex have space to think and make sense of the whole situation.
Keep your chance to say sorry for when your partner sought to see you. Don’t say sorry many times, That’s called pleading and begging.
Don’t be needy you can leave without him for a few days, lets break leaving without him in the next section.
2.Avoid showing him that you can’t live without him
One of the worst decisions that people in breakup makes, is to become miserable and show their partner that they are miserable without them.
On your minds you are like “if I let him know that I am miserable without him he will change his minds”.
You think if only he knows that you can’t continue your life without him, he will come back?
Listen here.
No one is attracted to miserable person.
Mama Nkima
Never ever let him see the downside of you after break up.Show your partner that you’re even stronger.
Start by understanding the reason why you broke up.Then give him space.After giving them space, still, show them that you are strong even after a breakup.
3.Avoid the mistake of showing your partner that you can’t continue your life with them.
Your ex prays you breakdown.When you break up with some, they want to see you broken.so this is not the time please.
When you show your partner you can’t continue life without him.In his eyes, You are becoming as weak as hell.
You are giving him a win.which is not bad, bad think about it.Your ex prays for such breakdown after breakup.Did you really think he was going to be sad because you are sad?Your ex wants you to break loose.
That’s not how your ex thinks.After all he broke up with you.
Hold yourself up together to be strong in front of your partner.
4.Be a person who understands the reasons why you broke up.
In breakup situations, people tend to give less time to reasons why they broke-up.
Its human instincts to focus more effort to mend your differences.This habit has a negative impact.
When you behave this way, again you deny your partner space to process the whole conundrum.
Give your partner all the time he needs to make up things.
The quicker you give them time after breakup, the quicker he will be to evaluate his decision that drove him away from you.
So never ever let your partner see the weak side of you after Break-Up.
5.Avoid agreeing to everything your partner says never let him walk over you
When you break up with your lover, you want them very bad that you willing to sacrifice your self worth.
You get so desperate that your goals and value matters less to you.You let your partner do whatever they want because you strongly feel that if you do let them walk over you and do whatever they want they will eventually come back.
That’s a lie.
You make your ex to respect you even less when you become as desperate as a person who agrees to let her ex walk over her.
How do you think your relationship is going to be after you’ve come back together?
You let your ex make ridiculous demands.Because you thought that will bring him back to you, You agreed to each and every ridiculous demands he made.
Letting your partner walk over you do not get your ex back to you.Letting him walk over you makes your ex even respect you less.
This goes back to the using pity and neediness that we talked about earlier.
How happy do you think you are going to be?
Society wants you to put want they want first, When is it time to put what you want first?
Your minds says your values don’t matter as long as he’s back but how long are you going to hold up for this idea?
The moment he comes back, very soon you will realize you deserve respect which if he does not agree and wants to stick to his demands, quickly will take you back to square one; Apart again.
I don’t think this is what you want.Avoid accepting ridiculous demands from your ex.
- Stay bold.Don’t let your ex walk over you in the name of them coming back to you.
- Be focused.Stay within the bounds of your values and needs.
- Let your ex see you for who you are not for who your mind is forcing you to let him see you as.
This is important because when respect fades away in a relationship so does the relationship itself.Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect.
6.Avoid becoming the most loving person for your ex
Avoiding showing so much affection to your partner after a breakup.
Our mind is wired to think that if you break up with your lover, that he will come back to you if you show him so much affection and love.
Showing him that you are the only one in this world that would ever love him the way he must be loved.is a mistake.
“How could he reject me if I showed him so much love and affection?”
See how wrong this is?the fact that you call him your ex, means he’s just not in love with you right now.
Are you forgetting that this is the same person who broke up with you?
Don’t you think he knew how much you loved him before he went up with a breakup?
The impatience in your minds is pushing you to do things without thinking.
He knew how much you loved him, but he went ahead and broke up with you.What makes you think this is going to change things now?
Showing your ex more affection after a breakup makes him feel even more trapped.This behavior makes him feel like he can’t run away from what he was trying to run away from, to begin with.
Such kind of inconvenience is the kind that even makes them run far away from you.
Avoid inconveniencing your ex.Avoid clattering their minds.The better thing to do would just be to give them space.
Avoid letting your minds make you do things without thinking.
You chase him even further when you fail to give him space.Because even after he left you, you still clatter his space – he does not feel the space to think.
People leave their relationship to get space to make sense of things.
When you fail to provide that space, you make them want to run even further to find that space.
Trying to shower him with love denies him that space and he will even want to run far away from you.
7.Avoid actions driven by anger
Anything you do out of anger seldom yields any positive benefits.
Mama Nkima
When you are filled with anger you are bound to try a lot of UN-thoughtful options.
Actions out such a state – damage your relationship even more.
Imagine name calling your ex out of anger.What about situations where you felt like threatening your ex out of anger.
These are mistakes that need to be avoided simply because the more you do such silly and unsought through actions, you only drive your ex away.
Your ex feels less attracted to you.
- Would you be attracted to someone who name calls you?
- Would you be attracted to someone who threatens you?
This is a break not another one of your petty fights
Maybe you are used to name calling each other when you fight during the course of your relationship, so your mind my deceives you that this is just another one of the fights that you normally have.
Maybe your minds are deceiving you that if you can just show your ex you are angry perhaps then he will understand and come back to you.
How wrong?
Name-calling, fighting and threatening remind your ex of the small small things that accumulated enough to cover the loving part of his brains.
Name calling makes affirmation to the decision he made to leave you.
In fact, to make matters worse this is kind of actions makes more affirmations that both of you don’t understand each other.
To your ex’s minds, it’s just another affirmation that he’s making the right decision to leave you.
8.Avoid being obsessed with your ex.Don’t misinterpret your ex’s actions
Obsession is due to your mind racing after Time.Within this race, a lot of mistakes are bound to be made.
- Asking yourself questions such as is he missing me?
- Does he still love me?
- What can I do to get him back instantly?
- Should I tell my ex I miss him?
Your minds racing through such questions is the leading cause of obsession.The problem with this race is your minds tend to get ridiculous answers.
Answers which leads you to act ridiculously without proper application of mind.In turns becomes just another obsession over your ex-boyfriend.
Obsession is terrible it creates false situations.In your minds, such situations are so true that you are waking up driven to do things that you wouldn’t have done otherwise.
Obsession makes you imagine your ex going out on a date with someone else.
Misinterpretation is thinking otherwise about a situation which means something else.
Imagine your ex added you on one of the social media group he is on.
To you, you let your brains race you into thinking maybe the breakup is over.Quickly you wake up making phone calls and start demanding things.
Again that’s an obsession.avoid letting your brain race you through things that are not real.
Its only fair to render all questions that currently run out of your brain as useless at this point.
Avoid trying to understand what is going on in your ex’s mind.Concentrate on you and what should go on with your life day by day.
Your ex wants you to win him back the right way.He just doesn’t believe you can.It’s really painful but avoid chances of falling into obsession trap.
You only can win him back if you give him time and stay far away from him and let them process and make sense of the situation.
Give him a chance to decipher the whole breakup situation.
When someone breaks up with you they need space to make sense of the goods and the bad that they’ve endured in the relationship.
Back to panic in humans, the impatience in your mind, quickly turns into a machine that forces you to go and bomber this person with pleadings.
You are denying his mind a chance to evaluate the goods and the bad you’ve done in a relationship.
In his mind he wants you to get back with him but the right way.
The right way is not by begging first.Right way is by giving them a chance to decipher the whole breakup situation.
He checks up on you.He leaves an open communication Chanel.While he is still angry he finds time to say hello.
It depends on who initiated the breakup.If you are the one that broke up from your ex, its fair for you to tell him you miss him.But if you were the one that was dumped, No.Never tell your ex you miss him.
Showing your ex more affection after a breakup makes him feel even more trapped.This behavior makes him feel like he can’t run away from what he was trying to run away from, to begin with.
Give him space he will eventually make that important phone call.
No, No contact is just for you to give him enough time to think through the bad and good you did to each other.
Give your partner all the time he needs to make up things.
The quicker you give them time after breakup, the quicker he will be to evaluate his decision that drove him away from you.
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Mama Nkima is a marriage counselor and relationship expert who has dedicated her life to helping couples build strong, healthy relationships. She has academic degrees in Education and Psychology.She has over 40 years of experience helping couples and individuals work through their relationship issues.
She draws on her own experiences as a spiritual guide but also from years of research to offer readers practical, actionable advice.