Married men choose to stay married even when they’re cheating on their wives. The mistress makes the marriage tolerable(Please read ‘signs he won’t leave his wife for you‘). Last week started with sad news. I got a phone call late in the night from my good friend, telling me how her husband had been having an extra marital affair for 5 years! It was a call I wish I had never received.
My poor friend went in an early hysterical stage immediately following the discovery that she had been betrayed by the man she loved and married to — with whom they share three children with. She was screaming “I can’t leave without him’. I love him more than I love myself! I have invested my entire life here with him. Years of cleaning, care taking, cooking. For him all along was there making love with the other woman!” She went silent.
“He made promises of marriage to her!”
“Come again,” I said, as I interrupted her. “Marriage?”
“Yes!” she said. “He told her that our last born is still fifteen and he explained to her that as soon as he is 18 years, he permanently would come to her and marry her.”
“Ok, calm down.” I said. “First off, Is Liam 15years (the youngest son)? He looks 10”
“NO!” He is just nine years she screamed at me.
“How and where did you get all this information?” I asked.
“From his personal secretary, Sheila. She was the one who called me at 2am, asking to speak to Richard. I think she was high on something and said she was having a relationship with him. I confronted him about the affair. He admitted everything! I am really surprised,” she said. “It has been going on for 5years between them.”
I lent her my ears while she told me everything. She almost spent three hours telling me about the life Richard and his mistress had been living . Mountain climbings, cruises, different trips… He had attended all of her family events, even one where they both had ‘stood up’ for the bride and groom!
Richard and Sandra had been married for 15 years. For the years I have known Sandra, she has always portrayed to me a Disney-like picture of her family life.
I wondered silently if she had received any clues? “I am her best friend,” I thought. I should just ask …
She banged the phone down!
Frozen in silence thinking, my mind switched to my many clients I often get from Leave his wife. I have got this story so many times over the years that I have been associating with people— including the kids scam— this couldn’t just be a coincidence. Did this come from a prominent soapie?
There have been many other reasons a man has told his mistress he needs some time to leave, but most of them could be categorized in the children area. ‘Kids are still young’ is the one I hear most, then financial situation.
Beyond those, I hear the wife has depression (emotional problems) and she needs counseling. Leaving before the mother of his kids heal will affect his kids.He is so noble to stay and not to be the bad one, my client tells me. The ‘other women’ have been contributing money to these causes as well. In some cases, the other women are brought to bankruptcy trying to help the new lover solve these issues. Of course this is when they call me asking why he has backed away from them.
What my friend doesn’t know is that the other woman usually gets to go on all the trips. The wife marks the date for him as ‘business trips!’ As the other women are willing to pay the bill also, he is free to go.
Sandra and Richard have never mountain climbed in 15years.
I usually hear from women and men who are the victim. I strongly believe that a person could save themselves and others a lot of disappointment and pain if they would just make sure their new found love was telling the truth. The only way to proceed would be to see the divorce papers.
Last month I advised two of my clients to do just that.
If you enable another to escape that pain, more than likely, they will take you up on your offer. It will dilute the misery and tension in their marriage or relationship hence making it bearable, and they most likely will not leave it. You will be surprised how fast a man who really does love you will be back at your door, divorce papers in hand, if you put down the law to him. “No contact until you’re legally available.”
I am going to be there for my sweet pie Sandra in her time of need, but I also am going to be waiting for your phone call to me as well, here at Mama Nkima. Don’t settle for second best, there are many awesome, available bulls out there waiting for you, ripe for the picking!