Why do men do what they do? Does anyone know why men cheat? Men do make the world go round, don’t they?
Ask any man why men cheat, and you’ll get answers like;
- Because I can.
- Because it is my nature, I can’t control it.
- One woman just isn’t enough.
- Everyone else is doing it, why not me?
But the question still remains unanswered. What exactly makes a man have an affair?
Affairs are costly, and most often than not, men have a lot to lose. They are risking a divorce, losing their children’s visitation rights, breaking their home, and did I mention the money men spend on their mistresses? What really makes men start affairs with other women? What is that, that which is so big that men are willing to risk all that for?
Why do men have affairs?
Why can’t men just be faithful? Is it impossible?
I know we’ve all pondered on these questions at least a million times before, right?
Irrespective of what men think and what excuses they give for Cheating on their wives, there are underlying, unspoken reasons and issues which drive men to have an affair.
Why do men really cheat even in the face of overwhelmingly unwanted consequences like divorce, loss of parental contact, and the likes? Leave alone what men say when they are in denial; here are the real and unexpressed reasons men have affairs.
Sometimes he is merely immature. When a man is innocent, he is selfish and self-seeking. This unattractive quality impacts a relationship in various ways. Ignorant men often put themselves first in any circumstance; they don’t put into consideration their partner’s feelings.
To them, it is more important to be right even when than to be loving. With such an attitude, that man will be prone to getting a quick fix outside marriage. In any case, he believes that all is ok, as long as his wife never finds out. Besides, immature men are impulsive; they rarely consider the repercussions of their actions before-hand. Tell me this is not a recipe for disaster!
2. Unresolved coexisting addictions.
Addictions are, for the most part, stubborn to deal with because they can surface other, even unrelated facets of life in subtle ways.
It is understandable how sexual addiction can result in Cheating through compulsively engaging in sexual fantasies and behaviors to numb pain and avoid life.
However, unrelated addictions like alcoholism and drug abuse could as well end in Cheating. Ongoing problems with alcohol and or drugs affect a man’s decision-making, resulting in regrettable sexual decisions.
When a man feels inadequate, in any way, he may seek validation from another woman to feel wanted, desired, and valued. He may feel too old or too young, not handsome enough, not rich enough, just not enough.
Little wonder, an astonishing number of male Cheating happens, at least in part, during the mid-life crisis, when most men report feeling inadequate.
4. Lack of male social support and guidance.
His father cheated. Some of his friends are philanderers. Why would a man surrounded by all this adultery be faithful? The only locker-room and guy talk he is exposed to is Cheating related.
All men need social support, incredibly supportive friendships with other men. Expecting his social and emotional needs to be met entirely by his wife sets her up for failure.
When she inevitably fails to meet, he will be forced to seek fulfillment elsewhere.
5. Confusion about infatuation/ limerence with commitment.
When a marriage begins, there is a spark between couples. With time though, this feeling wears off and is replaced with more reliable and permanent feelings like care and understanding.
When your guy misunderstands the difference between romantic intensity and long-term love, he may mistake infatuation of early romance to mean love. When it wears off, which it will, he may think he is no longer in love with his wife.
6. After effect childhood abuse
Unresolved childhood trauma follows us into adulthood. Your partner may be recreating or latently responding as a way of dealing with the abuse.
He might also be using the excitement and distraction of sexual infidelity to self-soothe the pain of these old, unhealed wounds. Unless the underlying childhood abuse is addressed, it doesn’t matter how hard he tries, the childhood pain will surface.
7. Immediate, unfettered impulse
Men are visual, and in the heat of the moment, only a few men can resist, especially when the other girl is willing.
If a man has not purposed to be faithful in his heart, there is so much opportunity to cheat. It’s a jungle out there.
8.Unrealistic expectations from his partner
It’s funny how some men expect their wife to be a mother but remain hot, be a housewife and career-oriented, be modest and sexy, all at the same time.
Where on earth do you find a woman that excels in all those expectations and at the same time? It’s ridiculous!
When reality hits, the man realizes that his wife, once slim, once perfect, is carrying around a few extra pounds due to giving life to his babies, he wants out. You can’t have your pie and still have it, honey. Here in the real world, you gain some, you lose some!
9. Anger, Revenge
I know it sounds petty, but you wouldn’t believe how many men cheat because their wives cheated first. It’s sad, but it’s true.
When next, you are trying to deal with a man who supposedly has it all but still cheated on his wife, remember that it has nothing to do with his marriage.
Often there are underlying and hidden issues that are the real culprits.
What men in affairs really think?
A man’s mind has been and always will be a mystery to the ladies. Have you ever seen a man make the most horrible choice like missing his daughter’s birthday party for a night of poker with some old bones? I know what your reaction was. “What is he thinking?” I admit these sons of Adam at times do questionable things.
Is he having an affair? Do you want a sneak peek into his mind?
When men are cheating, they try to rationalize and soothe themselves with different thoughts to ultimately reduce or do away with guilt.
When a man is cheating on his wife, he consciously believes that he had no option. At least he rationalizes and convinces himself that he is innocent.
Here are some of the most common reflections of unfaithful men.
1.”Every guy wants to have sex with other women.”
So that when the opportunity arises, he takes it without feeling as bad. After all, every guy is doing it.
2. “It’s a man’s biological imperative to have sex with as many women as he can.”
That way, when he is sleeping Nancy, Mary, Tonya, and whomever else he pleases, he can blame biology not him?
3. ‘If I got enough sex at home, I wouldn’t need to cheat.”
Of course, anything to redirect the blame. The man will pin it on the wife. I get it; sex is essential for men, but if this was entirely true, how do you explain adulterers obsessed with another man’s wife? Clearly, some wives do know their way around the sex corner.
4. “I’m not doing anything that most of my buddies don’t do. If you don’t believe me, ask them.”
I can’t count how many times I have had this one. How do you live philanderers and expect to be different? Bad company corrupts good character; it’s only a matter of time until he becomes his friend.
5. “If my wife hadn’t gained so much weight or if she was nicer to me, or more attentive.”
I hope you see the pattern by now. It is never the man’s fault. How fat is Sarah Jessica Parker, and yet her husband Matthew Broderick still cheated, or the beautiful Pink even though Carey Hart still strayed? I won’t even mention Beyoncé here; the list is endless.
6. “Cheating? Really? It’s not even close! I mean, who would rationally call getting a lap dance in a strip club infidelity? It’s just what guys do for fun.”
I wonder how this guy would feel about his wife giving that lap dance to another man.
7. “My dad looked at magazines and went to strip clubs, and that wasn’t a big deal. Well, I have webcam chats and interactive sex. What’s the difference?”
It’s a monkey see, monkey world. You can’t blame the guy when all he is doing is faithful to execute the tradition handed down to him by his father.
8. “I’m only sexting and flirting. Where’s the harm in that?”
What constitutes an affair is elastic and undefined. Of course, adulterers like to stretch the boundaries of what constitutes adultery in their relationship. We all know if the positions were switched, it was the wife sexting, all hell would break loose.
If I were to exhaust all the common phrases straying men like use, all the time in the world wouldn’t even suffice.
It is clear, though, that these men have mastered the art of self-induced delusion that genuinely believes all these lies. No wonder they don’t feel the guilt that is proportional to the pain they are causing everyone, his family, and the mistress. They actually believe that they are the victim.
What do married men want from affairs?
Sex, of course! Is there anything other than sex that men want from the affair?
As a matter of fact, yes. Men want more than just sex from Cheating. It boils down to the reason/ reasons he is in the affair in the first place.
The reality is far more complicated and nuanced.
Only20% of infidelity is rarely ever just about sex. Varied and distinct factors come into play for the man to cheat. We can all agree that when men cheat, they compensate for something that is lacking in his marriage. Believe me, it’s not always sex. We can’t rule out sex, though.
What they want from the affair arrangement
Adulthood is difficult, but manhood takes the prize. Every now and then, the world is knocking men down. In such an environment, it is easy for him to doubt himself. An affair with a young and beautiful woman reassures him that he is still that lion within. It validates his insecurities and self-doubt.
Midlife crisis and manhood, in general, can water down a man’s confidence and esteem. His wife only adds salt to the wound by being unappreciative. Mistresses, on the other hand, are a breath of fresh air, having an affair will soothe his ego.
Relief from adulthood.
Bills, children, and the wife are any married man’s most significant issues. It would be nice if he had a getaway to escape this reality even for a minute, an affair.
What they want from the mistress
You would be shocked at how lonely married men are. A friend of mine used to be an escort. There’s this particular client of hers who we used to call Kind J.
Now Kind J would set appointments and make arrangements for my friend in the best hotels around town, and all he wanted was someone to talk to. He was in my country for 4 months, and during that time, he only touched her once, just once, the night before he left.
He always paid her the full amount just to sit there and look pretty. Can you imagine? I believe that some married men are just Kind Js looking for a friend.
A good time
Boys just want to have fun; married men are not an exception. Marriage life can be one long, tedious, and unending day. He needs a mistress whom he can rely on to be that spice, that thing that breaks the monotony.
You would never believe how many boardroom discussions begin in the bedroom. It helps the affair when the man can rely on his mistress for pointers to close the deal.
Affairs with married men psychology.
The psychology of affairs with married men is nuanced.
Types of affairs according to Formica
1. An object affair: The cheating partner neglects the relationship to focus on something else, an object.
2. A sexual affair: Accurately what the name says: A sexual arrangement is strictly about sex, nothing more.
3. An emotional affair: This is characterized by lots of sentiment.
4. A secondary relationship affair: This is the conventional kind of Cheating. You have two parallel partnerships concurrently, which are usually both sexual and emotional.
In real life, though, affairs don’t fall neatly into each category. It could be more of one category than another; however, most often than not, your romance could be a blend of two or more.
During pre-affair and post-affair, the state of men’s minds might give a sneak peek of what the in-between might look like.
Results from studies about affairs with married men psychology
1. Men cheat more than women.
Biological theories, gender roles and differences, stereotypes, media, and cultural expectations lead us to believe that men have more sexual desire than women. This is true, but the reality is the difference is not that big.
A 1994 study by Edward Laumman shows that 20% of women and 31% of men in their 40’s and 50’s reported having sex with someone other than their spouses.
Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction accept a rough estimate of 30 to 40 percent infidelity in marriage for men and women.
Both studies show 10% more men are likely to cheat than women. We can blame science, media, gender Etc.
Socially all these factors have come together to create an environment that makes it easier and more acceptable for men to cheat than women.
In conclusion: Men are more comfortable Cheating than women thanks to the support from evolutionary theory, stereotypes, media myths, culture, Etc.
2. The primary reason for the affair isn’t sex necessarily.
By standard, extra-marital affairs involve a romantic and/or emotional relationship which has a sexual or sexualized component.
On the contrary, research proposes that sexual drive isn’t primarily why married men have affairs.
M. Gary Neuman suggests that 8% of the 200 interviewed men in his study were unfaithful because of sexual dissatisfaction.
In conclusion: Contrary to popular belief, there is more to the affair than sex. Men are looking for more than just sex.
3. Many men still cheat whether they are happy or not.
56% of happily married men still cheat. Shocking right?
In conclusion: A happy marriage isn’t affair-proof. Happiness isn’t a factor or determiner of whether a man will cheat.
Men who cheat are not looking for a way of their marriage.
56% of men who had affairs are satisfied with their marriages and aren’t looking for a way out.
In conclusion: The majority of adulterous men aren’t willing to leave their wives.
4. Not all men look for the affair.
While some men are serial cheats. They are always looking out for their next side candies. Surprisingly 60% of the married men who cheated said they weren’t looking when they cheated; it just happened.
In conclusion: The majority of men aren’t the monsters we make them out to be. They are not necessarily looking for an affair when they cheat on their wives.
Men cheat with women they already know.
Indicative that the affair isn’t just about sex, adultery often starts with people known to the adulterer as coworkers or friends. No wonder more than 60% of romances begin at work.
Can affairs be good for a marriage?
Affairs are every married couple’s nightmare; they are like the owl that hoots just before death, and only that in this case, it’s the marriage that’s dying. Could anything good ever come of this? Yes.
I know it sounds somewhat contradictory.
Yet, perhaps strangely, there are a few ways in which an affair might contribute to the growth and stability of a marriage.
Here are a few ways how affairs can be good for a marriage.
1. It ends in self-love.
Reassurance from the new lover does wonders for your self-esteem. With daily life hurdles, you could easily get lost and forget why awesome you are. Having another person’s attention reminds us of how great we are. This way, we increase love for ourselves, self-love.
Guilty is an uncomfortable feeling that bugs you until you either repent of cover-up for your faults. This is beneficial because it enables us to treat others better.
3. We realize that the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
There is always that latent fear that there is something better on the other side, which we are missing. Going through with the affair will prove to you that there truly is no perfect person. That way, you will be content and happier in your marriage.
4. We are not trapped.
You always have a choice. You should never stay in an abusive and loveless marriage. Irrespective of what has happened, someone else will always love you and treat you better. Having an affair proves to you that you are still desirable, regardless. You’re not trapped.
Oftentimes in a marriage, you sacrifice your personality at the altar of acceptance from your spouse. The fair, on the other hand, is strictly on your terms. You learn from it who you really are. It is another chance at self-discovery.
Sometimes good things do grow in dirty places. Talk about love in a hopeless place.
Men have cheated on their wives as long as marriage has existed. To be able to stop such a old age practice you need to understand why men cheat in the first place so that you can prevent your man from cheating or know how to keep a philandering man when he comes your way.
Mama Nkima is a marriage counselor and relationship expert who has dedicated her life to helping couples build strong, healthy relationships. She has academic degrees in Education and Psychology. She has over 40 years of experience helping couples and individuals work through their relationship issues.
She draws on her own experiences as a spiritual guide but also from years of research to offer readers practical, actionable advice.