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Man possessive of me?(professional advice)

There is a difference between a protective and a possessive man. Sadly many people don’t realize that there is a difference between the two.

Is your partner possessive of you? What do you do when your partner is possessive, are you?

We are all possessive to a small extent. Something I like to call innocent possessiveness. There is a problem, however, when this innocent possessiveness becomes aggressive possessiveness.

There isn’t a ‘type’ when it comes to possessive married men. They come from all social and economic classes, ages, education statuses, religious beliefs, political tendencies, upbringing, you name it. You won’t be able to recognize a possessive man by any special category.

Does a married man have the moral authority to be possessive?

  • Why would a married man be possessive of you?
  • How can you tell that a married man is possessive of you
  • Is your husband a possessive man? 

I know that when it comes to your married man’s possessive behavior, you may have a million unanswered questions. 

Thanks to my not-so-good love escapades, I have been cursed with being with some of the most imperfect, selfish, and even possessive men that the earth has held. So I might know a thing or two about possessive behavior in your partner.

When a married man is possessive of me.

What does it mean when a married man is possessive of you? What to expect when you are with a possessive man.

When a married man is possessive of you, he is kinda selfish about the people in his life, in this case, you. He may be clingy and could even label you his for the world to see. He treats you like a thing he owns.

Being with a possessive man isn’t easy to cope with because a possessive man is often insecure and controlling. He wants you to himself so badly that the guy may alienate you from everything; your friends, family, events, your life in general. 

Possessive people don’t always start off by showing this part of their personality. If a man started acting controlling right away, he wouldn’t even get a second date, and he knows it.

In RL, possessive men are charming; they may act kindly to you and even come across as caring and concerned. You may even feel flattered and loved in the early stages of the relationship, only for him to unleash the monster after you are hooked.

Why is a married man possessive of me?

When dealing with any couple’s problem, you may feel like you have a part in it. So you beat yourself up and share in the blame. A married man is possessive because of his inner insecurities, which often have nothing to do with you.

A married man who is cheating on his wife is flawed. Leave alone the fact that may be victimized in his marriage(If that is even true) or whatever other cheating cards he thinks he has, you need to realize that you are dealing with a damaged man from the beginning.

Flawed people often come with other emotional baggage. Could it be that he was possessive all along, and you are beating and blaming yourself for nothing? His possessive tendencies likely have nothing to go with you,

Why then is he being possessive of you? What are the real reasons a married man may be possessive of you?

The real reasons why a married man is possessive of you.

Whether the possessive man is your husband, or your lover or whatever else he is to you, these reasons are crosscutting and hold true regardless of the scenario you are in.

1. Being protective of the people you care for is normal.

Possessive behavior may stem from being protective, which is a natural and healthy emotion. It is normal for a man to be worried about your safety, drinking habits, or even the lousy friend he feels is a bad company. 

It only becomes a problem when this goes overboard when it goes beyond being concerned and it goes to him acting ‘on your behalf.’ For instance, when he worries that your friends are bad, so he cuts them off on your behalf or even forbids from seeing them.

One of my not-so-good experiences, Lamech, was a fine guy judging from the outside. Every one of my friends kept telling me how lucky I was to have Lamy in my life. In the beginning, it was beautiful, perfect even.

I met Lamy at a German class that I took shortly after high school. I had always wanted to work in Berlin, but that’s a story later. So that is how I met Lamy. 

We started going about 3 weeks into the program; he was so charming he literally blew me off my feet immediately. You may say he had me exactly where he wanted me; I adored the man. 

At around the same time I started dating Lamy, I started losing contact with my old friend Ron with whom I was working on a research project. 

I didn’t think there was a connection because I thought Ron was just being Ron; he was probably on one of his booze fests and somewhere in the middle of the ocean with a strange girl. 

With time though, I started noticing that I could no longer call or text nor even email Ron. The only other person who had access to my accounts was Lamy. So I confronted him, and all he could say was that he was protecting me. I was Livid.

He had threatened Ron and asked him never to call me and then went ahead to block Ron on every platform he could find on my devices. What a monster! Ron is just one of the many that Lammy cut out of my life; Miriam, Fred, Leon, and even my second cousin Frank, Etc.

Fine, I accept Ron is a bad influence, and Lamy was right to worry, but cutting him off was my decision to make, not Lamy’s!

2. He has a constant need to control things

Show me a possessive married man, and I will show you a control freak, the two go together. Having the need to put your life in order is great; however, having an uncontrollable need to control everything is where things go berserk.

It is impossible to be in charge of everything in life, especially things that concern people, because humans are unpredictable and volatile. If a man fails to accept this, he may be tempted to force the things and the people he can’t control to bend to his rule.

That Is in itself possessiveness.

3. He is insecure and has self-doubt.

At the heart of every possessive man, there is an insecure boy full of self-doubt. A man is possessive and smothering because he fears that is the only way he could ever be with you.

He fears that deep down, he has nothing to offer, and sooner or later, he will lose you to someone else who has a real thing to offer. So his best shot is to cut you off from the world so that you don’t meet his potential successor.

3. He is battling other issues like abandonment and trust issues.

Emotional problems don’t occur in isolation. Like a possessive on, an emotionally unstable man is bound legions of other issues that could have preceded the possessive behavior tendencies.

Such issues that could predispose a man to possessive behavior are abandonment and trust issues whose cause may be rooted in childhood traumatic experience.

Traumatic childhood causes abandonment and trust issues, which cause possessive behavior, resulting in controlling tendencies and even narcissism. 

In RL, that may not always be the case for every possessive man. Still, for the majority of married men, their possessiveness stems from issues rooted in childhood trauma.

4. He has a good thing going on, and he is afraid to lose you, particularly for married men.

A married man knows that he has absolutely nothing to offer you. He will be worried, especially if you are his mistress, that someone will come in and take you away from here and disturb the balance he already has in his life.

The man is living his perfect life with you as his side woman and his  wife as his major woman so someone else coming in the picture to take you away threatens this life that he has going on.

He will try to be possessive and even manipulative to keep you why you are so he doesn’t lose what he already has going on. I know that it sounds selfish, but the heart of a possessive man is selfish.

What are the signs of a possessive man?

A possessive married man tends to start and maintain his relationships using dominating and authoritative behavior. 

At the start, he may mask this behavior through subtle and kind gestures. It is at this kindness and often a very charming phase that a possessive man traps his victim.

How can you sniff out a possessive man? What are the qualities of a possessive man?

The qualities of a possessive man

1. Possessive men often have obsessive personalities. 

Obsessive personality stems from obsessive behavior, which comes from obsessive thoughts and urges. A possessive man usually has obsessive thoughts about losing you or being adequate, which drives his manic behavior.

2. The man is controlling.

Possessive men also usually have the need to control things, even people in their lives. His need to control you may come from a pure place, he may just want to protect you, or he genuinely could be trying to make you a better person.

The problem is that his need for control makes methods rather crude because instead of asking for your permission, a possessive man will go-ahead to do what if I think he’s good for 

that ‘you.’ 

Because he acts from insecurities, what he does may not be the best for you but the best for him. Even though the man claims that what he did he did for you, he did it for himself in the real sense.

3. He is an overly jealous man.

 Another very common quality of possessive men is that they are always jealous. Maybe because of the self-doubt and insecurities, he may feel ‘less-than,’ so when he sees any other guy around you, it incites jealousy.

Tell-tale signs that you are relating with a possessive man.

1. He is clingy

Good heavens! A passive married man can be so needy and clingy that you may want to kill yourself. He makes you feel like you are the center of his life, and in many ways, you are because you are his only friend more often than not, he makes it feel like without you; he will die.

At first, this is cute, but you will curse when you realize that he was serious about you being his life. He expects you to drop everything you are doing for him when he calls.

He may often also expect you to bend  forwards and backward to prove your love for him. Proving your loyalty will get tiring because no amount of assurance is enough for a possessive man. 

2. He Checks Your Phones.

Everyone knows that the phone is private property. Still, a possessive man does not respect any personal boundary of face and privacy. He will often do creep things. But because you’re already charmed by him, you may just ignore it and cut him some slack.

He is checking your phones and computer frequently to know whom to be wary of. 

One of my other unfortunate experiences, Tony would go through my phone frequently. He used to use the pretense that he wanted to admire my selfies, I obviously never objected.

One day I was looking for an important slip I had misplaced. Naturally, when you misplace an important thing, you turn the house around,

While I was looking, I landed on a notebook of Tony’s and oh my goodness. He had a handwritten list of every guy in my contact list and his analysis of my relationship with that man written on the side. 

Let me break it down so that it becomes clearer. For example, I had a friend named Billy next to whose name he had written, “This Billy goat is working his claws to my girl, but she is oblivious.” Then on one of my ex’s contacts, he handwritten, “The one that got away. Keep away, CR.”

I don’t even know the second one because CR wasn’t my ex’s initials; I was freaked out. He had done this with every guy and a few girls in my phonebook. 

Then it hit me, and I remembered that he often asked about my friends, and I thought he was trying to get to know them. I only realized then that the sick man was compiling a sick list for whatever sick plan he had. To this day, I thank God I was able to leave safe. 

3. He Controls Who You Associate With

At the beginning of the relationship, he will be subtle. In fact, his control will come off as kindness or concern. But slowly by slowly, he begins to cut you from some people. 

With his control tools like swing moods and other emotional authoritarian tendencies, he starts to control who you associate with.

As mentioned above, a possessive man acts from a place of insecurity and even jealousy. So he’s going to try his best to keep you away from people that he feels are better than him and could potentially replace him in your life and those who will open your eyes to see that he’s not a good man for you.

In fact, if you take time, you may see that the people he asks you to keep from are usually your most sensible friends or the good men in your life.

4. He Isolates You From Everyone And Everything

His goal is where it’s just you and him. That way, he can be a hundred percent sure that no one or nothing will ever take you away from you.

The thing with a possessive guy is that he doesn’t love you; he’s obsessed with you. That may start off as cute and loving, but it won’t end well. You are meant to be loved, not obsessed about. There’s a huge difference, love is selfless decision is self-seeking; I’m selfish

5. Your Boyfriend Has No Friends

This should be a red flag that this guy has no friends. Obviously, he will try to victimize himself and tell you how all his friends were assholes to him.blah blah blah. 

But having no friends means that there is something wrong with him.

6. He Accuses You

This may be subtle in the beginning. If the man keeps accusing you of doing things that you didn’t, he may be trying to see by reaction whether you ever would. 

In his sick mind, he believes that you might be cheating on him, so he’s constantly going to keep accusing you of all these crazy things until he gets a confession.

7. He Stalks You and Is probably tracking your phone without your knowledge.

I know that no one would ever ask for your consent to stalk your phone or do something nearly as creepy as that. A possessive guy takes it one step further, I don’t mean to scare you, but if you’re dating a possessive man, he’s probably already cloned your phones. He is keeping tabs on everything and everyone that you talk to.

The biggest challenge of a possessive guy is that he doesn’t trust you at all. To be sure that you are telling the truth, he will stalk you or track your phone or both.

8. He Has a Problem With Everyone You Know

It doesn’t matter how good your friends are, he always has a problem with them. To him, Samantha is a smoker, Mary is a drinker, Susan is a whore. He always finds the negatives of your friends. 

Obviously, it could be true that your friends are bad, but he exaggerates. He wants you to distrust everyone but him. So at the end of the day, he is the only one you trust. He wants to be your one and only, practically.

9. He Withholds Information

So your friend called while you were in the shower he won’t breathe a word about it. Chances are that he picked up, mumbled some threats, and deleted from your call history.

Even if it is something serious like a family member being sick, Mr. Possessive will not say a thing about it. Remember, his goal is to cut you from society and transplant you into a world where it’s just you and him. Only you and him.

I know it sounds cute initially, but it’s not; you need your friends, you need your family, and you need your life. That’s a luxury that a possessive man can’t afford to give you.

10.He Intimidates You

 A possessive man uses fear as a tool because he’s goal is to control you. The guy knows that he needs to have you afraid or intimidated by him, then he knows that he has a free pass to control you if you are afraid or intimidated by him. 

11.He Uses Information That You Have Confided In Him Against You

This is a sick ploy to control you. You may have naively told the man things about you in confidence, but he will use it against you.

If you suspect that you are dealing with a possessive man, my advice is to bait him with a juicy lie and then pick up a fight later. He is bound to bring it up. 

Before you tell him your life story, be sure that you can trust him because any man could potentially be this terrible.

12. He Is Suicidal

That is obviously a trap to stop you from ever thinking about leaving him because you don’t want his blood on your hands, and he knows it. He acts suicidal so that you won’t leave him.

That is manipulation 101, if you ask me. 

Married boyfriend is jealous.

Does your married boyfriend have the audacity to be jealous? He goes to his wife every night, doesn’t he? Now, why is he acting all green-eyed because you had coffee with Will?

Jealousy, like love, is a complicated emotion. His reasons for being jealous cannot be rationalized because, however ridiculous it sounds, he is jealous. That’s the thing with problematic emotions. It’s easy to dish out but hard to take.

But it is not entirely a bad thing if your married boyfriend is jealous. A little jealousy never had a relationship and may be good for you. Why?

When a guy gets jealous at that moment, he realizes that he could lose you. So he resolves that he’s going to treat you better otherwise so that he doesn’t lose you. So, making a guy jealous could make him treat you better.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

What is the girlfriend of a married man called?

The girlfriend of a married man is called a few unpleasant names. Mistress, ‘the other woman,’ kept-woman, whore, homewrecker, slut, Etc are all names people use to describe the girlfriend of a married man.

Even if we had the whole day, I could go on and on about what a married man’s girlfriend is called and still finish. What you should know is that all the names have a somewhat negative connotation to them.

How Do You Tell if a Married Man is Attracted to You?

How do you tell if he is attracted to you? Attraction, like love, is complicated and may take many faces. One guy may express his attraction by being supportive and nice to you. In contrast, another man may express his attraction by being mean and cold. 

So I get it, attraction looks different on different people. So how then do you know for sure that a married man is attracted to you? Here are some of the most universal signs.

  • He wants to talk to you. If you feel like a man is making excuses to talk to you, he is attracted to you.

  • He wants to be close to you. Is he always taking the empty seat next to you? That’s a sign that he is attracted to you.

  • He mirrors your actions, this could be subtle, but if you notice he is sitting the way you sit, copying your expressions, he is in too deep.

How do you get a married man to crave you?

Married men are still men; nonetheless, so the same ways you can make any man for you should trap a married man. 

If you want to get a married man to crave for you, here are some sneaky but effective ways to go about it.

  • Have an air of mystery around you always, keep him guessing.

  • You need to look good, dress good, and smell good.

  • Have a life or at least have something going on

  • Be confident(guys find it sexy)

  • Don’t be too available.

Can a married man fall in love with a married woman?

Love is blind, isn’t that what they say? A married man may fall in love with anyone. Love is borderless.

A married man may fall in love with a married woman because falling in love for him has nothing to do with his marital status.

So, yes, a married man can fall in love with a married woman. The reasons why a married man may fall in love with a married man are numerous and varied.

Maybe he feels unappreciated by his wife, but the married woman values him, or he just feels better in the married woman’s company. On the other hand, it may have nothing to do with his wife. That’s love for you.

Why am I possessive of my husband?

In any relationship, it is normal to feel possessive of your partner to an extent. After all, many marriages are monogamous, so you may expect a level of exclusivity.

Problems arise when you feel insecure, maybe because your husband shows philandering signs or rooted psychological problems in l=you like self-esteem and self-doubt.

When you become insecure, you worry that your man could be taken away from you. So as a coping mechanism to stop it happening, you may put him on a tight leash.

You may even come across as controlling and possessive of your husband. In a nutshell, your insecurities beget possessiveness in a marriage.

Final thoughts

A married man may possess you for several reasons, which may have nothing to do with you but his insecurities and self-doubt.

A possessive man may be flattering at what cost at the beginning of a relationship. Still, as time goes and the possessiveness turns into control and something nasty, you may not feel as flattery anymore.

If you realize that a man has possessive signs and quality, run for your life as soon as possible. If he is your husband, please seek professional help. You need couples therapy ASAP.

Related:Signs a married man is attracted to you

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Author: Mama Nkima

Mama Nkima is a marriage counselor and relationship expert who has dedicated her life to helping couples build strong, healthy relationships.  She has academic degrees in Education and Psychology. She has over 40 years of experience helping couples and individuals work through their relationship issues. She draws on her own experiences as a spiritual guide but also from years of research to offer readers practical, actionable advice.

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