What makes a man leave his wife for another woman is a question almost every woman has asked herself at some point.What could possibly lead him to make such a drastic decision?
When it comes to understanding why men leave their wives for another woman, you have to look at the psychology of infidelity, beyond merely what a man thinks.
To really understand this psychology, your research needs to be done at his primal and innate desires that drive him to act, as some would say, “unreasonably.”
There are many factors that can contribute to a man’s decision to cheat, and it’s important to understand the psychological motivations behind this behavior before you make any harsh assumptions or judgments.
Infidelity is NOT an accident, falling off a bike is.
Cheating is a choice.I know Nurse Becky is hot and Paul said he couldn’t help himself but HE decided to have sex with her.Now, this isn’t one of those men-are-trash articles and Becky isn’t all innocent either, but when it comes to infidelity in relationships the responsibility lies on the philandering partner’s shoulders, in this case Paul.
When it comes to infidelity in relationships the responsibility lies on the philandering partner’s shoulders
Mama Nkima
Off-course some men will blame it genetics and research has indeed discovered that, for a variety of reasons, sons of fathers who cheat are prone to do so as well.Much of it has to do with sociology-economic backgrounds and upbringing.
That being said, cheating alone isn’t likely to make a man leave his wife for another woman or leave your marriage at risk of divorce.However, the psychological unmet needs that drive a man to cheat in my experience are often the very same ones that push him out from his marriage altogether.
The psychological unmet needs that drive a man to cheat and leave his wife for another woman
Needs are meant to be met otherwise lack of any makes man feel restless, unhappy or unfulfilled in his marriage.When a man’s needs are not being met by the dynamic he has his wife.He may start seeking out other women relationships in hopes fulfill them leaving his marriage at risk of divorce.
Sense of belonging and connection
A man needs to feel a sense of connection to his wife in order to remain faithful.This connection is on many levels physical and sexual, emotional and/or spiritual.It is essential for a man to feel close to his wife in some way .
If a man doesn’t feel connected to his wife, he may start looking for that intense connection elsewhere.
If a man doesn’t feel connected to his wife, he may start looking for that intense connection elsewhere.
Mama Nkima
This was the case for John, who told me he left his wife because she “never really seemed interested in anything I had to say.”
He said that over time he stopped confiding in her and seeking her out as a sounding board because it felt like she “just wasn’t interested.” This led him to feel increasingly isolated within the relationship.
In search of that meaningful connection, John started an affair with a woman at work who was more than happy to listen to him and “actually seemed interested in what I had to say.” Eventually John left Susan and is now with Bertha.
A sense of significance or importance and the need to feel competent
Another important need for many men is to feel a sense of significance or importance.This need is often tied to a man’s ego and self-worth and can be the root of many relationship problems.The say men’s egos are fragile and that’s the truth.
For example, take the case of Alex .He told me he left his wife because she “constantly made fun of him.Emasculated him in front of their friends.” He said that over time he started to feel like “less of a man” and that his wife’s constant put-downs had taken a toll on his self-esteem.
In search of a way to feel better about himself, Alex had an affair.Later married a woman who made him feel “like the king of the world.” She constantly told him how great he was.How lucky she was to be with him.
Autonomy in his marriage
A man also needs to feel a sense of autonomy or independence in his marriage.He needs to feel like he’s in control of his own life and that he has a say in how things are done.This need is often related to a man’s sense of self-sufficiency and can be the source of much marital conflict.
For example, take the case of Bill.Bill told me he left his wife because she “was always telling him what to do.And trying to control him.” He said that over time, he started to feel like “a caged animal.” That his wife’s constant nagging had made him resentful.Bill left his wife shortly for his new assistant Ophelia.
Once a man meets the core needs in his marriage, he will never try jeorpadize his marriage by cheating or leaving his wife for another woman.Unless he’s just plainly immoral
When you are younger, most your needs go unnoticed and unmet because you are helpless.
When you are younger, most your needs go unnoticed and unment because you are helpless.An adult man, however, has the ability to take control of his life.And make sure his needs are being met.
Mama Nkima
An adult man, however, has the ability to take control of his life.And make sure his needs are being met.If they’re not being met by his wife, he will seek out another woman to fill that void.If he’s chronically unhappy and unfulfilled in his marriage, he is more likely to leave his wife for another woman.
What makes a man actually leave his wife for another woman
One of the actual reasons why a man would leave his wife for another woman is the way society has normalized idea of a man cheating.This idea has become so ubiquitous so much so that you may not be too surprised to hear that studies show that approximately 25% of men will cheat on their wives during the course of their marriage.
Have you ever seen a man who has it all?The perfect wife, kids, job, house but yet he still leaves his family for another woman?Sometimes there is no sensible explanation or reason.When a man ups and leaves, only him knows his personal reasons for leaving.
Sometimes there is no sensible explanation or reason.When a man ups and leaves, only a him knows his personal reasons for leaving
The idea of men actually leaving their wives however, is a bit more of an anomaly.With only about 5% of philandering men ever leaving for another woman which is what we’ll be focusing on here.
1.He Married for a Wrong Reason: he should have never said I Do
This sounds cold and immature, it still happens nonetheless.You may be wondering how a man could be so callous to do this.It’s not as uncommon as you might think.
He may have married her because she was pregnan.To save face after she got pregnant, or because of pressure from friends or family.
In any case, he likely had doubts about getting married in the first place.Over time, those doubts turned into full-blown regret which is one most common reasons for broken marriages.
A client of mine once said: “I never wanted to get married, but she cried and begged and pleaded.I broke down.I feel so guilty for wanting to leave.So guilty for not having been strong enough to break up with her shortly after we met”.
If a man married his wife for reasons other than ones in their vows, he has no incentive to stay.Its not surprising to see a married man who married his wife out of pity – pack up and leave for another woman.
Mind you, without fighting for his marriage.He has had one foot out even before it begun!If a marriage ends-up blown like it meant nothing.It most probably meant nothing.
He has had one foot out even before it begun!If a marriage ends-up blown like it meant nothing.It most probably meant nothing.
Mama Nkima
2.He is having an extramarital affair with another woman
Not every extramarital affairs ends up in married men leaving their wife as I mentioned above.But these illicit romantic or sexual relationship outside of his marriage poses a big threat to marriages.
An affair is often a symptom of a much deeper problem in the marriage.It’s not uncommon for a man to have an affair because he’s unhappy with his wife.Or because feels unfulfilled in the marriage.In some cases, the affair is a way for him to get out of the marriage without having to deal with the pain of a divorce.In an affair, there’s a good chance he’s already emotionally detached from his wife.And is perhaps already in the process of leaving her for another woman.
During marriage counseling, I often tell men this, “Don’t go to devils market if you don’t want to trade with him”.A vulnerable man who plays with idea of romancing with mistress is playing with fire.He is bound to form an emotional connection with her.I delve deeper in this article why men leave women they love.
An affair that continues in one form or the other for years can quickly render its self as a primary relationship.Making his marriage a secondary relationship.In short he might as well leave the secondary relationship.
3.What makes a man leave his wife for another woman? – The intimacy candle in his marriage burned out
There is good reason Abraham Moslow famously known for his Hierarchy of needs theory places sex as a need to men in the same category as food, water and breathing.Sex and physical intimacy are a basic need to men.I am not saying women do not need sex as much.Often statistics show that women can do without it for longer periods.
This is the sad reality of 15% percent of marriages which are sexless!Can imagine 15% of marriages not having food, water or air?No wonder these marriages often end-up in shambles.
Sex and physical intimacy are a basic need to men.
Mama Nkima
Men view lack of sex as a sign that his wife does not care about his needs and sometimes that she doesn’t love him.Because ladies men express and feel love through sex.
Lack of intimacy is such unsatisfactory condition.Men will not stomach it and resort to cheating – they decide to move out of marriage to another woman.Such men are convinced that the end result of a sexless marriage is a divorce.Cheating will only delay the inevitable..Mistresses know the tips to make a married man want them sexually.
4.Communication is stifled in his marriage
This is a no brainer.Communication is key.Couples that don’t learn to consciously communicate will face issues when it comes to conflict resolution, and healthy relationship growth.
Communication issues rescend into all aspects of marriage.It could be about finances, in-laws, parenting styles, intimacy or just about anything!
When communication is lacking in a relationship it creates an environment ripe for infidelity.A man who feels like he can’t talk to his wife about his needs, is more likely to turn to another woman.Whom he feels will understand him.
If you’re not communicating with your partner, it’s only a matter of time before someone else comes along who will.Besides poor communication in marriage is such a pivotal point.If left unattended, it tremendously slims the chances of saving a troubled marriage.
If you’re not communicating with your partner, it’s only a matter of time before someone else comes along who will.
Mama Nkima
Poor communication behavior is often expressed as
- Criticizing or belittling her husband at all times.
- Getting defensive every time a man raises an issue.
- Stonewalling or cold shoulder every time she feels angry.
- Assuming he knows what what she is thinking instead of actually communicating it.
- Lack of compromise
- Fewer attempts to connect with him
And so many more.
Mama Nkima is a world’s leading expert for marriage.
More on poor communication
Poor communication is a subject of its own, but to quickly glance over it, centers around negativity.
In his excellent book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr.John Gottman writes about six poor habits of communication that are detrimental to building intimacy and developing healthy communication.
One habit that stood out from all other for me was: The Four Horsemen.
The Four Horsemen: Dr.Gottman claims that certain types of negativity are more lethal to your relationship.His four horsemen of marital communication apocalypse are:
- Criticism: Complaints are normal but criticism deals more with your spouse’s character and personality.Examples: “You’re an idiot,” “You’re such a narcissist,” “You have no sense of humor.”
- Contempt: This results from long simmering negative thoughts about your partner that turn into disrespect.Contempt often arises from little.At times legitimate, concerns about a spouse that are never addressed or go unresolved over long periods of time.
- Defensiveness: We all have a self-protection instinct.But, becoming defensive with your spouse rarely helps to resolve conflict and typically reduces the conversation into a blame game.
- Stonewalling: This is a tactic typically seen in a spouse who doesn’t want to yield any ground in a conversation.This spouse eventually tunes the other out.Men are frequently the culprit here.It’s not unusual for a man to withdraw (sometimes physically) to his cave, cutting off communication for a time.
A married man constantly complains about not being hard by his wife can only take so much.He Is most likely to pack up and leave his wife for another woman.
5.He’s grown apart from wife
I think the most uncomfortable truth we have to accept is that as humans we grow and change.At times at different rates and sometimes in different directions.The version of the wife the he married might not be the version that he’s with now and vice versa.
He might blame his partners for not being the person he married.In reality, he’s not the same person either anymore.And that’s okay!People change and grow, it’s a natural part of life.Sometimes people grow apart.
If he feels that who is now, is incompatible with whom his wife has become no amount of tape can hold that relationship together.Sooner or later, as deep calls unto deep, he’ll meet another lady in his level with whom he feels more compatible.
This is not to say that always the wife falls short to his new standards.Believe it or not the reverse if often true.The wife could have become richer.Perhaps more successful, is now the ‘independent woman’ and the man feels he can’t measure up anymore.
We accept the love we think we deserve
Bill – The Perks of Being a Wallflower
So he decides to leaves his wife for another woman he believe he deserves.Never forget that we accept the love we think we deserve.
6.He is an abusive and toxic marriage
The terms abusive relationship and toxic relationship get thrown around so often lately.You can easily downplay the severity of the emotional and physical damage both men and women suffer in these marriages.
If a man is in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, whether he is the victim or perpetrators it’s only a matter of time.He will eventually leave his wife for another woman.The toxicity of such marriage is a life and death issue.
Toxic marriages are soul-sucking, energy-draining experiences that zap the life out of you.
Abuse comes in different forms.The common denominator is that it’s about power and control tactics that include intimidation, manipulation, threats, or even violences.Abusive relationships can be subtle but you always have hunch, that gut feeling that something is off.
Abusive wives are never wrong and difficult to get along with.An abusive wife will never admit she’s wrong she’ll gaslight her husband into thinking that he is the one who’s messed up.No man can stay or even should stay in such a marriage or current relationship.
7.A search for novelty
I strongly believe that nearly 60% of men are just not cut out for monogamy.No matter how great their relationship is, they will always feel the need to look for something new, something exciting.
It’s common for couples to sink into boring routines after a few months or years of marriage.Often the sex life dwindles too.
There is a laxity when hormones normalize in marriage.When the novelty fades a bit, and couples start to focus on other things like work or children.This is perfectly normal!But for some men, this can feel like death.
When a man feels that his relationship has become too predictable he will seek out excitement elsewhere often in the form of another woman .
Monotony is the silent relationship killer.It’s the slow, steady drip that over time can erode even the strongest marriages.When you add an exciting new girlfriend to the mix, it’s a matter time before he leaves and runs off with this other woman.
Related: When he chooses someone else over you. Why do men cheat on their partners ?How do I make him worry about losing me? Make him love me spell
A man always has his personal reasons for leaving his marriage for a long term relationship with another woman.
What Stops A Man From Leaving His Wife For Another Woman?
I have talked in length about a number of signs a married man would not leave his wife for his mistress.
There is a type of men who enjoy eating the banana from both ends.He wants to keep his pie and eat at the same time.Some men will never leave.
Sometimes a married man is ready to leave his wife for another woman but won’t.He wants to leave, he can leave but he won’t.Why?
His wife has a terminal illness
There are men who have left their dying wives but this is not typical.The average health man will wait out it out.No matter how unsatisfied or unhappy most men men are, only a handful have the heart to walk out of a marriage with a bed-ridden wife for another woman.
He is Scared of the Divorce Stigma
I don’t know if you’ve hard about such a statement before.But the divorce stigma for men is such a scary factor that men fail to leave their unhappy marriages.Most men would rather stay in such a marriage than making a decision to leave his wife.
The portrayal of divorce and break-ups in TV, movies and magazines are on the side of promoting the sad stories of women selfishly left behind by heartless men for younger, more supple new women (The Mistress )..
The divorce stigma for men is such a scary factor that men fail to leave their unhappy marriages.
So men constantly think of different public outcry such as:
- How could he?,
- What about all the years she gave him?
And all that.That’s why Statics show that 67% of divorces are initiated by woman.Because the public likes holding men more to blame for leaving when a marriage is in desperate need of an end than they do to women.
Because of such divorce stigma, more men fail to leave a failing marriage because of fear of the stigma.
He Fears financial melt down
He fears that he won’t be able to support two households.Just because a man is divorced doesn’t mean responsibility to his family is gone too.Quite the contrary.
Men are natural born protectors, and when it comes to children’s well being, it strikes hard in their mental plate.The thought of failing to manage two house holds is scary enough.
To some, the thought of losing assets to divorce is enough.The fact he could lose it all stops men from entertaining thoughts of leave the wives for another woman.
Divorce pain and expense.
Divorce is so painful and expensive.If he is not ready to take that pain, he is not ready to leave his wife not for you or not for anyone.
Divorce is too much work.Meeting with the lawyers, Explanation for family members, pain endured by children, not to mention dialogues between him and his wife is so costly.
So divorce pain and cost is another reason that stops a man from leaving their marriage even if he want’s to leave.
Related: Why he can’t leave his wife for you When a man leaves his wife for you. Would he leave his wife for a mistress?
Truth is, some men do and some don’t.The answer to this question is so subjective.Its so hard to have an exact answer to these question since marriages are different.Besides, most men who leave their wives never come out to share their life stories after leaving their wives.
No man wants to leave a happy marriage.A men don’t just leave his wife for another woman.He leaves for a reason so i don’t see the regret part rolling out anytime soon.He might be sadder at the beginning.
Men do a quite a number of things to hide their involvement in external affairs.But for a man you’ve known for decades, its not hard to pickup on some of signs he exhibits whenever they come back from seeing another woman.
The biggest sign to lookout for, is the change in behavior.A who is in love with another woman will start to neglect his duties at home.He might not call as often, he might start staying out later, or coming home later from work.
He might also change the way he talks to you.The tone of his voice, the way looks at you, and even his body language changes.When you pick up on such cues, believe your gut feeling.
To make a man leave his wife for you, you first need to understand why he is with you in the first place.Its your duty as the mistress to figure out that man’s intentions with you before you set your hopes high.
Most married man cheat not because they want to leave their wives.But because they are selfish pricks who fails to deal with whatever issues they have with their wives back home.
But if this is something you must pursue, check out my guide on how to make a man leave his wife for you.
The million dollar question!A man can love two woman at the same time.Men are capable of loving more than one woman at a time, they are able to compartmentalize thinking about his wife in one box, and thinking about you in another.This is how most men are able to balance having a wife and a mistress.
Whether he loves both the two women the same is question for debatable.But in some religions and cultures, it is a cultural norm.For example Muslims are allowed by their religion to marry 4 wives given they are all treated equal.
Conclusion
What makes a man leave his wife for another woman is not as simple as one might think.There are many underlying factors that play into a man’s decision to cheat or leave his marriage.Some men do it for love, while some do it for selfish reasons.
I hope this article has helped you understand What makes a man leave his wife for another woman from a psychological perspective.
[cta id=’422′]
Mama Nkima is a marriage counselor and relationship expert who has dedicated her life to helping couples build strong, healthy relationships. She has academic degrees in Education and Psychology.She has over 40 years of experience helping couples and individuals work through their relationship issues.
She draws on her own experiences as a spiritual guide but also from years of research to offer readers practical, actionable advice.