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Ending an affair with a married man. The decision to end the affair should come from you and you alone. You need to be honest with yourself about why you’re involved with a married man in the first place, and what you hope to gain from the relationship. Are you looking for attention or validation? Are you trying to get back at his wife?
Ending an affair with a married man is never easy, but it can be made a little bit easier by understanding the psychology behind why the man has chosen to cheat on his wife. Lets start by defining an affair.
How do you define an affair?
An affair is a sexual relationship, romantic or passionate attachment between two people without the other significant person’s attached knowledge.
It’s considered a betrayal of trust. Affairs are commonly referred to as adultery among married couples and Infidelity among common-law spouses and committed partners.
There are different types of affairs as follows;
An affair is known as “an affair of the heart.” Sometimes it can be in the form of sexual liaisons among wedded or un-wedded partners.
A Casual Affair
It is a relationship between two people who may engage in a sexual relationship but have no expectation of a more severe or romantic relationship.
It is one with less sexual affairs but has intense or enduring emotional intimacy. It can evolve into sexual experiences when it becomes more profound and can be threatening to the marriage.
It’s an online affair that occurs via chat, webcam, email, or text. It may be anonymous between individuals who may know the necessary information about one another but have never met or known in real life.
Here it’s more like an agreement with an open marriage or open relationship. A couple agrees on which form of sex the two should have other than with the primary partner. It can be due to several seasons, and both parties come to a compromise about it.
Advice to a woman having an affair with a married man:
Falling in love with a married man is something you may not be so proud of within you because you could just be trapped in agony, wondering how you got to the dark place. So you are trying to figure out a way to extract yourself from work, causing more pain to yourself than the one you already amassed.
The first advice is to walk away.
You may be afraid of how you will throw away everything you’ve enjoyed with this man, but he might not be worried about anything.
He is most likely not going to divorce his wife or leave his family for you, and you probably think you have a chance to become his wife. Read: Why he can’t leave his wife for you
Ultimately you would rather stand the pain of ending it than enduring the problem each day that goes by, and he hasn’t come to you. Like Marni Feuerman at yourtango says: just walk away.
Think back to the fact that he has not been faithful to his wife, even after her promises. It means that your lover is not a man of his word.
He chose to come to you every day, which demonstrates his betrayal to his spouse and children, so you can’t trust him so much. At one point, he might do the same to you even when he decides to leave his wife. Read: How do I make him worry about losing me?
You deserve a better life.
You are not a wicked person. Leaving each day in denial and convincing yourself that he will leave his wife and come to you is already a worrying process.
The situation will put you in the position of a selfish person who allowed a man to leave his family for you. Maybe you can do better than this and end the affair.
Does he love you as he says or think about you as much as you do.
Maybe it’s mainly about coming to you to fulfill his pleasure and go back to his family.
Perhaps the last time he thinks about you is when he moves out of your door. Once he goes back to his home, it’s family and wife time.
So are you willing to keep in that kind of relationship where you do not know what place you take in his heart?
The Affair will fade over time.
The sensational allure of lust and the thrill of secret sex can be addictive. Still, eventually, it fades as time moves.
So the Affair is not permanent according to him, and it’s only his getting away from his routine marriage. You have to ensure you are not the one they are going to use and dump when you have started getting attached to him. End it before you get trapped in it.
It’s better to end the Affair before it goes too far.
Some affairs result in deeper connections, and you end up finding it hard to end the affair.
It might even involve you throwing away your whole future for him. Yet, he is unwilling to do so, and the chance for you to build a healthy relationship is nil.
You can choose to end this affair by stopping to see him even with no apparent explanation. He may not be willing to let you go since he says his feelings for you are real. Read: How to stop dating a married man?
But remember, he is a married man, and you can’t trust him a lot because he has been cheating on someone with you. It’s your call on ending it.
What do you say when breaking up with a married man;
Tell him it’s over
The married man has come from far with his wife, so you need to tell him that you do not want to be part of his confusion since he is unsure whether he loves his wife while he loves you. So you are wondering who he truly loves.
You can tell him you and your ex are back together.
Now that you badly want to be separated from him, he will be concerned once you mention your ex. I believe he wouldn’t want to get involved with you and, at the same time when you see your ex.
Tell him you regret the day you met.
Telling your lover, this is almost a nightmare for you and that you should not have done what you did with him in the first place.
He will feel bad that you regret everything you shared with him, meaning you didn’t tell whatever you said.
Tell him you don’t love him anymore.
After realizing you have wasted a lot of time with a man who is unwilling to leave his family and come to you.
Assure him that you found a new love and so you can’t be with him anymore. Love is a mutual feeling, so it can’t only be one party giving love when the other isn’t reciprocating. So he will go by himself. How to stop dating a married man?
Tell him you don’t feel the same way.
After figuring out, there is no future for you and all the excitement is gone, show him that you now feel differently about how you want your life.
Finally, tell him that you want to feel you are a priority.
When you are the mistress, it’s you they visit as a part-time schedule!
You wouldn’t be there forever; you want to have your own man who spends 24/7 with you whenever you want him. He is available for you, not the secret one.You can find more detailed information about this at How to stop dating a married man.
How to stop being the other woman
Being the other woman is quite a difficult place to hold. You have intervened in someone’s family life, and you may live to blame yourself for the rest of your life.
Being created is one of the worst things any woman wants to happen to her because it’s a terrible feeling. You wouldn’t want to continue doing it to someone else, and so you resort to ending it.
Perhaps he promises you to wait a little longer and be more patient while you wait for him to divorce his wife, but things are right back home, nothing like divorce is happening.
It’s not what you expect to be “the other woman” forever, so you are wondering how to get out of the toxic relationship and move on and have your life back as well.
Here are a few steps to help you stop being the other woman:
Interest yourself with the outside world.
Go out there and start loving again, be open to dating now that you have had to end your affair, and give it a shot. You could find the missing piece that you had deprived yourself of the years you spent with a married man. Find someone who you do not have to hide when with him.
If you are working with this married man, you might consider finding a new job. If you live in the same neighborhood, you might have to shift and avoid any physical contact with him.
Take your time and make a perfect exit strategy so that you ultimately move out of his life.
Confront him if you just found out.
In case you just found out about his marriage from someone else and he did not mention anything to you, things have become more severe with him, then you need to show him you are angry.
Show the rage he deserves because you are human and allowed to get furious. It would help if you stood for yourself because nobody will and, most importantly, don’t listen to him anymore. He is most likely to add more damage to what he has already caused.
Focus on your existence.
It’s essential to get back on the track of your own life. Don’t be afraid and stop making him the focal point of your world.
Spend time with your friends and people who make you happy because if you continue being dependent on him, you will never get out of it.
Cut him out of your life.
Don’t forget to block all communication channels from him like blocking his phone number so that he doesn’t call you and ask him to leave you alone.
Even if he comes to see you physically, try to ignore him and avoid giving him any attention. That’s what he is seeking. Once you deny it from him, you’ll have done for yourself a justice.
Does he still desire his mistress when they end the affair?
This question is more like asking if a married man will still desire his wife after their divorce.
We are used to thinking of a mistress as a person a married man desires, and that is the reason for having her. However, it could just be whoever was available at that time.
When there is no spark or interest in a marriage, such situations will come when the man will find someone else to fill the gap at the moment. Read: Lies married men tell their mistresses.
After enjoying time with a mistress, it’s for a short while, and a man will eventually have to end the affair and go back to his wife.
But what about if he still desires his mistress even after they end the affair ? What does he do?
He needs to do his best and fix his marriage.
Behave as a husband you should be by showing passion to your wife.
Hug her even when you no longer have feelings for her, kiss her goodnight to create the passion between the two of you you once had.
Try to make things right.
Much as you have been bored at home, be the one to create the spark between you and your wife because if you don’t, then who will fix it?
Apologize to your wife if she knew about your Affair.
In case your wife got the information about your mistress, make sure you tell her you are sorry and make a promise to her that you did end the affair.
Try to mean whatever you say to her so that she gives you a second chance.
Become a changed man.
If you used to spend more time out with another woman, then you now have to adjust and start spending more time with your family.
Create outings together so that you give quality time to your wife once more.
Go back to the roots.
As a man, you need to go back to where you started with your spouse.
Invite your wife for luncheons, surprise her on her birthday or do the nice things that once attracted her and I promise you she will return.
Can a married man love his mistress?
Is it “Love” or “Lust?”
Love can be very subjective, depending on what you consider to term it as love.
Love is beyond sex, beyond having a good tome, beyond feel-good emotions. It is about wanting the best of them, providing it to them, and wanting them to be happy for the rest of their lives.
When you think about it, if a married man was to love his mistress, what would he give out of the situation?
He may give money, sex, and a little bit of time but not that kind of real love since he will not be there through thick and thin.
As a mistress, you do not have all those privileges you can get when someone loves you. Things like calling him after work and checking how his day was are impossible because he is home with his wife. You can’t just pop up at his house like you would do if it were a normal relationship.
So it sounds more like a relationship of convenience.
Real love is about fully immersing your life with another person with no obstacles and hindrances.
You might have all it takes but do not have a real relationship like a wife does. When you, the mistress, are mostly there for the good times and not the bad, you have to ask yourself whether it is” love or lust?” Read: How To Seduce A Married Man: Tips For Discreetly getting that Man.
Remember, an affair has conditions like:
- I love you, but I have to get back home to my wife even after a good time with you.
- I love it as long as you don’t ask me to leave my wife and children; we are right.
- I love you for as long as you fulfill my sexual desires.
- I’m ok with it as long as my wife doesn’t find out.
- I love you, but I love my wife and children, so fate can’t let us be together.
A married man might love his mistress, but the circumstances around him can not let him leave his wife!
Maybe in a few instances where the Affair is real, he may leave his wife and start a new life with the newfound love after his marriage has wholly failed.
How to stop loving a married man?
Sorry to break your fantasy and things have to end between you and your lover.
The fact is that you are not in an actual relationship; he is having an affair with you. The man is using you to fill the emotional and the sexual void of his marriage while you are in love with him. The married man perhaps isn’t in love with you like you do, so you need to stop loving him and end this affair.
Believe in yourself.
Women get into relationships with married men thinking that it is what they deserve. They think that they are not going to find someone else who can love them like the married man has.
You may convince yourself that you are in love with the married man while you could be having a fantasy. The best is yet to come and you do not need to compromise so you need to stop loving this married man and find a man of your own.
Your future matters most.
Most times you may fall in love with a married man. Not putting into consideration that he may never come to you. He is with his family and they are happy while you sit in your house alone every evening.
For how long are you willing to sacrifice your happiness? Especially with a man whose life is moving ahead and your’s is at a stand still. You are not yet sure who you are going to spend the rest of your life with and your youth is coming to an end. Making the decision to stop dating the married man will at least place you somewhere. Somewhere to meet new people who could be part of your future.
You are always lonely.
Ya’ll need to ask yourself why you are always lonely especially on the big days of your life. While your “lover” is with his family. You don’t deserve to be left alone when you need someone with you. On big holidays he is celebrating with his family while you are lonely waiting for him to turn up. Read: Will he leave his wife statistics
You need a person who will spend all their time with you. Whenever you need someone, not a married man whom you always have to wait for in vain. You need to feel that joy and happiness of spending all your time with your loved ones, your own man who will not leave you to be with his wife.
Test him with a pregnancy scare.
A married man who truly treasures his family and has no plans of leaving his wife can never let you get pregnant. If you try to scare him that you are pregnant he will ask you to abort it. This means he is not the man for you so you need to stop loving him no matter what he gives you. You are not leaving a normal life.
Moving on from him will free you and can get a man with whom you can have children with. Make the right decision especially if you want to have children when you are still energetic to bear the pregnancies.
Ask him to file a divorce.
Married men always come with the story that they no longer love their wives and that it’s you they want. If your lover comes convincing you that it’s you he wants to spend the rest of his life, then it’s best to ask him to process the divorce. Read: Lies married men tell their mistresses.
You need to tell him that you can’t continue living in suspense where you do not know what’s happening next. Choose to end the affair with him if he is not ready to divorce. Or else he will waste your time and you’ll keep waiting in forever. Married men are tricky and wise so you need to be careful.
Consider the kids.
When a married man promises to leave his wife and come to you it implies he might either leave the children with their mother or bring them to you. Both of you might start a new life but the children might never accept you as their step mother. Are you ready for their hatred and rejection?
Will you love them as their mother would have loved them? The trauma for their divorced parents might affect them so much and never be happy with you. If you do not want to go through this dilemma. Then it’s good to stop loving the married man for you, your lover and his children.
Try dating again.
Dating again will truly help you stop loving a married man. Seeing someone will remind you how it feels to have a real relationship which doesn’t involve any secrets or being the other woman. You will get to have your own man who might spend the rest of his life with you.
Cut off communication
If you have decided to stop loving a married man then you need to cut all ties with him. Block his number and from all your social media networks so that he doesn’t keep coming back to you in any way. It’s over with a married man, and now it’s time for you to start a real life from all lies and confusion.
You need time to figure out what’s next for your life and you can’t do this if he keeps calling you or takes you out occasionally. Keeping in touch with him can not let you get over him. So don’t try contacting him and don’t respond to his texts, emails or calls for your own good.
Yes you can stop loving a married man if you acknowledge that you are nothing beyond his mistress and he might never leave his wife.
Mama Nkima is a marriage counselor and relationship expert who has dedicated her life to helping couples build strong, healthy relationships. She has academic degrees in Education and Psychology. She has over 40 years of experience helping couples and individuals work through their relationship issues.
She draws on her own experiences as a spiritual guide but also from years of research to offer readers practical, actionable advice.