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When you’re in love with a married man, it can be difficult to see the signs that he’s using you. You may want to believe that he loves you and would never hurt you, while some married men intentions maybe true and positive, the truth is – most married men who cheat will eventually use their mistress for financial or emotional gain.
Before we dive into the signs, it’s important to understand that not all married men who cheat are using their mistresses. In some cases, men cheat because they’re unhappy in their marriage or they’re simply not ready to end their marriage. In this article i will give you tips on how to tell if someone is using you.
if you’re having sex with him and he doesn’t have an open marriage, you are definitely occupying a role in his script.
Here are some signs that a married man is using you:
1. He hides your affair from his wife
When a married man uses you for his own personal needs, he will never tell his wife about you. He will keep you hidden in the shadows, where she can’t see you or question what you two are doing together.
He will likely make up some story about why he’s out late or where he was, and he will always avoid any situations that could potentially lead to questions that could interfere with his personal life.
If your conversations with this man are ever discovered, it could ruin his marriage and damage your relationship with him.
So if you want to protect yourself from being hurt in this situation, it’s important to be aware of the signs I am about to share that indicates to you that a married man is using you.
A lot of emotional and sexual affairs can go on like this for years.
2. He always pushes for sex, even when you’re not in the mood
A man who is only using you for sex will always push for sex, even when you’re not in the mood. He doesn’t care about your feelings or what you want, he only cares about his own needs.
This can be extremely hurtful and confusing, especially if you thought this man loved you. If you’re constantly being pushed for sex, it’s time to take a step back and reassess your relationship. You may find your self ending up in a toxic relationship.
3. He never wants to talk about the future
When a man is only using you for his own needs, he will never want to talk about the future. He doesn’t care about your plans, your dreams or your personal life in general. He only cares about what he can get from you in the present.
This is a huge red flag that your relationship is not based on love, but on selfishness. If you’re always being left in the dark about where your relationship is going, it’s time to have a serious talk with your man.
4. He’s always busy when you want to see him
A man who is using you will always find excuses to avoid seeing you. He’s too busy at work, he has to take care of his kids, he has other commitments… the list goes on.
If you’re constantly being blown off or stood up, it’s time to take a step back and reassess your relationship.
You should never have to chase after someone who loves you. If your man is always busy and you’re always the one doing the chasing, it’s time to move on. He is using you as a distraction to his troubled married life.
5. He never introduces you to his friends or family
When a married man is using you, he will never introduce you to his friends or family. He knows that if they meet you, they might leak it back to his wife.
And if his wife finds out about you, it could spell disaster for his marriage. If your man is always keeping you a secret, it’s time to take a step back and reassess your relationship, that man is probably using you.
6. He lies to you about leaving his wife but he never leaves her
A man who is using you will often say that he’s going to leave his wife, but he never actually does it. He knows that as long as he keeps you hanging on with this promise, he can continue to use you for his own needs. This type of man has no intentions for emotional commitment with you.
If your man has been stringing you along with this promise for months or even years, it’s time to take a step back and ask your self if its all worth being involved with his troubled married life. Read: Why he can’t leave his wife for you. Eight harsh truths
You deserve better than to be someone’s backup plan. If your man is still with his wife, he’s not really with you. It means he is not emotionally connected to you. His entire relationship plan for you is for only one thing and that is physical relationship.
It’s time to move on and find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved or force him to leave his wife for you.
7. He plays a victim against his wife
A man who is using you will often play the victim against his wife. He will paint her as the evil, controlling woman who doesn’t understand him. He will make it seem like she’s the one keeping him from being happy.
If your man is always talking about how miserable he is in his marriage, keep your eyes open. Its a common sign – He’s probably using you to try to escape his unhappy marriage. Read: Lies married men tell their mistresses.
Don’t let yourself be a type of woman used as a tool to help someone else escape their problems. If your man is always talking about how unhappy he is in his marriage, it’s time to have a serious talk with him. You deserve better than to be someone’s rebound.
He either works on building some emotional commitment try to find your self a committed relationship to invest your time into.
8. He pretends to care when he is with you but ignores you when he is away
A man who is using you will often pretend to care about you when he is with you but will ignore you when he is away. He knows that he can’t keep up the act forever, so he only pretends to care when it’s convenient for him.
If your man only seems to care about you when it’s convenient for him, its a sign that he’s using you. Read: Do married men miss their mistresses?
If your man only seems to care about you when it’s convenient for him, it’s time to talk about unconditional love, not just when it’s convenient for them. If fails to change, it’s time to move on.
9. He’s always talking about other women
A man who is using you will often talk about other women, either in front of you or when he is away from you. He knows that by talking about other women, he can make you jealous and insecure.
He tries to make you feel like you’re not good enough for him. If your man is always talking about other women, it’s time to have a serious talk with him. This man is using you.
Another obvious sign – a married man is using you is a man who doesn’t care about your feelings.
10. He doesn’t care about your feelings
A man who is using you will never care about your feelings. He only cares about his own needs and how you can help him meet those needs.
If your married man is always putting himself first and never taking your feelings into consideration, He is using you and if you allow him to continue, you are allowing him to even take more advantage over you. Read 43 Signs a married man cares for you
11. He never takes you out in public
When a married man is using you, he will never take you out in public. He knows that if he is seen with you in public, it could ruin his reputation and his marriage.
Another Sign a married man is using you, is if he says that he doesn’t want to risk getting caught, but the truth is that he’s embarrassed to be seen with you. He knows that what he’s doing is wrong and doesn’t want anyone to know about it. This is a huge red flag that you should be aware of. Read: How to make a married man fall madly in love with you?
If your man is always making excuses about why you can’t go out in public together, this man is probably using you. Married or not married a man that take pride in you will want to show you off not keep you hidden.
12. He’s always asking for money
A man who is using you will always be asking for money. He will say he needs help with bills or rent, or he will ask you to buy him things. He may even ask you to loan him money. If you find yourself constantly giving money to a man, especially a married man, then he is probably using you.
What to do:
If you are giving money to a man who is using you, stop. This is not a healthy situation for you. You should also take a step back and reassess your relationship with this man. If he is only interested in you for your money, then it is not a good relationship. You deserve better than that.
A relationship based on money is not a real relationship.
If you think a man is using you money, talk to him about it. If he refuses to listen or tries to make excuses, then it is time to move on. Find someone who will appreciate you for who you are, not what you can give them. Read How to break up with a married man
13. He’s always talking about his wife and how she doesn’t understand him.
If your married boyfriend is always talking about his wife and how she doesn’t understand him, it’s a clear sign that he’s using you. He’s trying to create sympathy and build up a case for why you should be with him instead.
This is a manipulative tactic that should be avoided at all costs. If you’re dating a married man, it’s important to protect yourself emotionally and not get caught up in his web of lies.
14. He doesn’t include you in his plans
It is a sign a married man is using you if he include you in his plans. Lets say you’re luck enough to have him speak about some future plans, take note of how you are included as part of his life.
If he’s cagey about what those plans are or whether you’re included, that’s a huge sign he’s only interested in using you for his own purposes.
it’s a signs he doesn’t see you as a long-term partner. If he never includes you in his personal life plans.
What to do: Talk to him directly about your concerns and see how he responds. If he can’t give you a straight answer or tries to deflect, your boyfriend is only after what he can get from you and hopes of making it work are slim. Its time for you to know that married man does not love you, but he is fooling you. Read: Ending an Affair With a Married Man
15. He’s always talking about himself
Self-centeredness is a major red flag, no matter what the circumstances are. But it’s especially problematic in a relationship because it indicates a lack of interest in your life and experiences. If he’s always talking about himself, that guy is a user who is happily married but wants to keep you on the side for when it’s convenient for him.
What to do:
The best thing you can do is cut him off and walk away. A relationship with a man who only cares about himself is not going to be healthy or fulfilling for you. You deserve someone who is interested in your life and wants to make a real connection with you. Don’t settle for anything less.
16. He plays control games with you by making you feel bad about yourself
One of the signs a married man is using you is if he regularly makes you feel bad about yourself. He may do this by belittling your accomplishments, making fun of your appearance, or criticizing your intelligence.
This type of behavior is not only unacceptable, It’s a sign of toxic relationship that you should avoid at all cost, it’s also a clear sign that he’s trying to control you. This difficult love situation can easily and quickly turn into emotional abuse.
What to do:
If your boyfriend regularly makes you feel bad about yourself, and he can’t see how his words are affecting you or he refuses to change his behavior, then it’s time to walk away from the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good.
17. Your relationship feels purely physical, There Is No Romance
If your relationship feels purely physical and there is no romance or intimate relationship, it’s a signs a married man is using you.
A healthy relationship should include both physical and emotional intimacy, but if he’s only interested in what you can do for him physically or lets say sexual relationship, then it’s not a real relationship.
What to do:
Talk to him about your concerns and see how he responds. Another thing you can do, is to to test him by limiting your physical availability and see if that will deflect him away from you.
For a man who is only interested in having sex with a woman, once a woman limits sexual availability, they normally distance them selves and breakup with her.
If your boyfriend is only after what he can get from you, hopes of making it work are slim. Its time for you to know that married man does not love you, but he is fooling you.
18. He uses kids and property as an excuse not to leave his wife
A man who is using you will often use his kids as an excuse not to leave his wife. He’ll say things like, “I can’t leave my kids,” or “My kids need me.”
This is a way of manipulating you into thinking that he’s a good guy who is stuck in a bad situation. In reality, he’s using his kids as an excuse to stay with his wife and continue seeing you on the side.
What to do:
Force him to leave his wife. Tell him he needs to divorce her to be with you no matter what the conditions. If he is not playing around with you and does not intend to make you his permanent mistress because of the enjoyment this exclusive relationship. He will either divorce her for you or distance him self from you. He will be sure his tricks don’t work on you any more.
19. He Only Calls When He Wants It
Another signs a married man is using you is if he only ever calls or texts you when he wants to meet up for sex. There is no emotional commitment. He’s not interested in hearing about your day or how you’re doing.
This is not only unhealthy relationship, but this type of behavior is a clear indication that he’s only interested in one thing and that’s using you for his own needs.
What to do:
If your boyfriend only ever contacts you when he wants to have sex, then it’s time to have a serious talk with him. Explain how you feel and see how he responds. If he’s not willing to change his behavior or make more of an effort to connect with you, then it’s time to walk
20. He rejects you when you withhold Sex
Another warning sign he is using you for sex, is If you don’t immediately give in to his demands for sex, he gets angry or withdraws from you. This is another signs a married man is using you.
He’s not interested in your pleasure, only his own. This type of behavior is unacceptable and is a clear indication that he’s only interested in what you can do for him. Read: Ending an Affair With a Married Man
21. He Sets Restrictive Boundaries
If a married man is only willing to see you at certain times or places, it’s a sign that he’s using you. He’s not interested in building a real relationship with you; he just wants someone to fill a void in his life. If you’re dating a married man who sets up times for when you can not call him or visit him, take it as a huge red flag. He would rather keep you at arm’s length than let you get too close.
What to Do:
If a married man is only willing to see you on his terms, it means he per-occupied with his family when he restricts you like this. The best thing you can do is walk away from the situation before you get too emotionally attached. It’s not worth getting your heart broken over someone who will never be able to give you what you want.
22. He doesn’t want to talk about his personal life
If the married man you’re seeing isn’t interested in talking about personal things, it could be a sign that he’s using you. He may not want to share details about his life or his marriage because he doesn’t want you to get too close.
A man who is interested in you will want to share details about himself and his life. He’ll want to know about you, too. If he’s not interested in getting to know you better, it could be a sign that he’s only interested in using you for sex or companionship.
23. He’s Not Interested in Your Life
Similarly, a man who is only interested in using you will not be interested in hearing about your life. He doesn’t want to know what’s going on with you or how your day was.
A man who is interested in you will want to know about your life and what’s going on with you. He’ll want to be a part of your life and he’ll want to know everything about you.
If he doesn’t seem interested in hearing about your day, it could be a sign that he’s using you.
24. He gets angry when you suggest taking things to the next level
If you’ve been seeing a married man for awhile and you suggest taking things to the next level, he may get angry or withdraw from you. This is a signs a married man is using you because he doesn’t want anything more than what he has with you now. He does not want you more than he wants his wife and family.
25. He Makes You Feel Bad for Asking Questions
If you find yourself feeling guilty or bad for asking your married boyfriend questions about your relationship, it’s a signs that married man is using you. He should be happy to answer any questions you have about the relationship and he should want to share details about his life with you.
If he’s making you feel bad for asking questions, it’s a sign that he doesn’t want to share information about his life with you. He may be hiding something or he may not be as invested in the relationship as you are. Either way, it’s not a good sign.
What to Do:
If you’re dating a married man and he’s showing any of these signs, it’s time to walk away. A relationship with a married man is never going to be what you want it to be and you
26. He often lets you down
If the man you’re seeing is always letting you down, it’s a signs he’s married and using you. He may say he’ll call you but then he doesn’t or he may say he’ll see you but then something always comes up. If you find yourself constantly being disappointed by him, it’s time to move on.
27. He’s Not Interested in Your Opinion
A man who is interested in you will want to know your opinion on things. He’ll value your input and he’ll want to hear what you have to say. If the man you’re seeing isn’t interested in your opinion, it’s a signs he’s using you.
28. He Selfishly does not care about you in the Bedroom
A man who is using you will be selfish in the bedroom. He won’t care about your needs or pleasure, only his own. Sometimes he might use you a play ground all things his wife can accept to do for him. Such as oral, annals and all sort of kinky staff that he might not even be able to ask his wife to do.
When having pleasure, a man that don’t care about you might not consider if you are in pain or not. He will not stop when you tell him to stop. In short they fail to respect you as a person with feelings and needs. Read: Making love to a married man
A man who loves you will be considerate in the bedroom and make sure that you feel good too. He will want to please you because he knows that your pleasure is important to you. Good sex is about give and take, not just taking.
If your man only ever wants to receive without giving, taking without contributing, its a sign he is fooling you no matter you let him have is only about him taking and he will never love you for who you are worth.
29. You just get the feeling he doesn’t care about you.
He never has time for you. You always have to come to him; he never comes to see you.
He’s always too busy for you. When you do spend time together, he’s always on his phone or checking his email. You feel like you’re always the one doing all the work in the relationship.
You have a sneaking suspicion he’s cheating on you. If any of these sound familiar, then there’s a good chance your married man is using you.
These are all signs that a married man is using you. If you see any of these signs in your relationship, it’s time to be careful and assess every word he says to you. A relationship with a married man can never be what you want it to be unless you find ways of making leave her for you.
However, it does not mean that all married men that cheat on their wives are just users to their mistresses. There are a lot of time when a married man says i love you and he means it. Does he? Lets see what it mean for a married man to say i love you.
When a married man says i love you
Don’t just take it on face value and assume hes being genuine. What does it mean when a married man says i love you? Well, it could simply be a sign that hes attracted to you and is trying to start an affair.
But its also possible that hes just using you for sex or as a shoulder to cry on. If you’re in a relationship with a married man and he tells you he loves you, its important to be wary. Make sure he does not have ulterior motives and isn’t just using you for his own needs.
So does this mean all married men that cheat on their wives are just using the women they’re seeing? If i have one, is he using me?
Is he using me?
There are signs to look out for which can help you determine whether or not your married man is using you. I have written extensively on the the above signs in this article. If your married boyfriend do not happen to have any of the signs above, chances are he is serious about you. However, this does not mean that he will leave his wife for you.
The decision is ultimately up to him and whether or not he’s willing to risk everything for a chance at happiness with you. If he does love you, he’ll have to decide if its worth losing his family, friends, and social status for a chance to be with you.
Signs of a married man in love with another woman
There are a few signs you can look for to see if your married man is in love with you. First, he’ll want to spend as much time with you as possible. He’ll make sure to keep in touch and will always be there when you need him.
He’ll also go out of his way to do things for you and will always be willing to help. You’ll be the first thing on his mind when he wakes up and the last thing before he goes to bed. He’ll constantly be thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing.
If your married man is showing these signs, then there’s a good chance he’s in love with you. In my article 14 Secret Signs a married man is falling in love with you I dive deeper with the signs of a married man in love with another woman. check it out.
Signs he will leave his wife for you
If you’re wondering if there’s a chance your married man will leave his wife for you, here are a few signs to look for. First, he’ll start distancing himself from her. He won’t talk about her as much and will avoid spending time with her.
He’ll also start confiding in you more and will share things with you that he wouldn’t tell anyone else. You’ll be the one he turns to when he’s having a bad day. He’ll also start including you in his plans for the future.
If your married man is showing these signs, then there’s a good chance he’s considering leaving his wife for you. In my article 10 Signs he will leave his wife for you i go more in depth with the signs.
Signs a man is using you for money
There are a few key signs to look for if you think a man is using you for your money. First, he may constantly ask you for financial assistance or favors.
In my article Signs a Man is Using You for Money: How to Spot the Red Flags I list a few signs that will help you know if the man you are with is in love with you or is just using you.
He may also try to control your finances by demanding access to your bank account or credit cards. Additionally, he may make large purchases without consulting you first or take excessive cash
Another sign he is using you for money, is – He starts mooching off of you and will never offer to pay for anything.
You may also notice that he only calls or texts when he needs something from you.
A married man is using you for money if He start making more and more demands on your time and will always want to be around you as long as you offer him money.
He starts using your resources without asking and will never offer to help out around the house.
Signs a married man wants to sleep with you
A married man can be genuinely interested in you and take things slow with you, however, there are situation where a married man just wants to sleep with you and that’s just it. That’s a user of a boyfriend that we were talking about in this article.
Many of the signs pointed to in this article will still stand for a only physical user married boyfriend. However, there are a few signs that may be more prevalent when your married boyfriend just need your yoni.
For example, a married man who is using you will often say he loves you in order to get what he wants from you. This could be sex, money, or any other favor that he needs.
How long to wait for a married man to leave?
There is no set answer, and it largely depends on your individual situation. If you’re happy with the way things are going, and you don’t mind being in a secret relationship, then you can continue to wait for him to leave his wife.
But if you’re tired of waiting, or if you feel like he’s never going to leave his wife to make you his married woman, give him an ultimatum and allow him at-least 3 missed deadlines to divorce his wife. if he fails? make a backup plan.
I feel used by a married man
If he’s telling you a sob story about how his wife is a shrew who denies him sex and he’s only staying with her for the kids, and he tells you how great you are because you’re always available and accommodating of his schedule and his needs, and you have sex every time you hang out, he’s using you.
If you’re seeing signs that your man is using you, it’s important to take action. You can either confront him about your concerns or you can end the relationship. If you decide to confront him, make sure that you’re prepared for his reaction. He may deny your accusations or he may become angry and defensive.
If you decide to end the relationship, do it in a way that’s respectful and considerate of his feelings. It’s also important to be honest with yourself about why you’re ending the relationship.
If you’re ending the relationship because you think he’s using you, then make sure that’s really what you believe. If you have any doubts, it may be worth staying in the relationship and seeing if things improve. signs a married man is using you.
Mama Nkima is a marriage counselor and relationship expert who has dedicated her life to helping couples build strong, healthy relationships. She has academic degrees in Education and Psychology. She has over 40 years of experience helping couples and individuals work through their relationship issues.
She draws on her own experiences as a spiritual guide but also from years of research to offer readers practical, actionable advice.